uh oh.

so im going to a party this weekend.
it's going to be an emotion party.
it's totally corny but im going as heart-broken.

now i have to think of a costume that's appropriate.
any suggestions?

ive come home and it´s scary.
things arent going as well as they should be.
and you´re not here,
and it feels kind of wrong to be here without you.
whether we´re together or not.
it feels empty.

so im back,
and things arent as they should be.
but it's cold cold cold.
i'l work things out.
for me
and for you.

Tegan and Sara -

im feeling rather vunerable today.
i feel really grey.

you really pissed me off today.

i wanted to be good to you, make you happy.
im not here for long girl.

but..

i guess you're right, maybe we are pushing it,
but that's what you aske d me to do, make you happy,
take your mind of things.

i do want to see you before i go back,
but not if you're going to be
a cranky-bum.

un-ease.

sometimes i get this funny feeling in my tummy.
it feels like im going to vomit and there's like an
industrial fan blowing at the same time.
it only happens when sometimes a
particular thought pops in my head.
right now, there's like a trillion in my head
so, i think my tummy's gonna go
ka-boom!

worse part is, i've got no-where to run for cover.

"It is early You are dead There are crows in our bed But I won’t come undone We are done, we are done There is air still In my lungs I will get up and get on With the other mouths and tongues And the work there is to be done This is what becomes of us There are dim things in the pond There is dust under the rug And I don’t ever know What’s below what’s below But I am up! I am above! I have a new love! And it’s warm like a gun Or a knife that I fell on This is what becomes of us I was not ready You won’t be back I was not ready"

why does everything have to be so dissapointing sometimes.
and how do you lower your excpectations of situations and people?

i changed my ticket yesterday.
im leaving melbourne and
flying home to edinburgh on friday.
ive thought about it and it's not
running away.
im making myself better,
im mending my heart and my head.
and not one of you can stop me or say
it's bullshit.

im free tomorrow

and it's making me nervous.

now i have no fingernails left.

i want to

go home.

some one

take me home.

some times,

i think,

just some times,

that

you

are the one

that got away.

and some times

i think

of how

unlucky i am.

i dont know whats happened recently, it goes from up to down less often.
and im thankful because im tired of rolling around all over the place,
seeing red and seeing white. im certianly looking forward to some calm.

then maybe we'll be super-human friends.
with super-human powers,
but this time we'll have super-strong forcce fields around our hearts.
and everything will be beta then.

i feel better now.

thanks ginger-jew.

im having to face the fact that you mite be seeing someone new...