look how hot i am going to be tonite?
oh yeah. jealous now L?

must remember this...

http://www.flickr.com/photos/pipistrel/

so this is me for tomorrow nite...

so, it's decided then.
im getting a forever memory.

on a quieter note..
i just want to say that today, this morning, has really made me realise that it's over and dusted.
ashes to ashes and all that shit.
and this semi-sudden realisation has made me happy in
that part of my heart for the first time since "it" started.
it's weird, i feel like "it's" no longer there,
like that relief feeling you get
when you dread going somewhere and then suddenly you dont have to anymore,
and your mind just lets go a little sigh.
i feel like those certain concrete-boots that appeared on my heart have gone.
the dread of potentially feeling worse for missing "it"
or feeling like complete fucking shit for hurting "you" again really has no power over me anymore
and i love to say it, because it really makes me happy, considering i wasnt sure
for so, so long that i was ever, ever, going to make it to the other side.
that at the end my heart and head would still be in tact (even if it's stuck back together badly).
im very quietly proud of myself (though not of my actions!) for pulling myself through.
i just really only hope that soon it'll happen for "you",
because it still stabs my heart like go-knows-crazy to know that "you're" sore
and aching and tired and over this too.
that "you're" heart still seems to have it's concrete-boots.

The Con Music Video - Tegan and Sara

i know i know, total tegan and sara overload, but it's total indulgence too.

me and L went to tegan and sara in glasgow last nite.
they're so cute and tiny and kinda weird.
they screwed up a bit, talked about how everyone's an alcoholic in scotland
and thought one section of the crowd were on "e".
but it was super great anyway.

then went to opium and saw the begining of a threesome at the bar
and L had a very fine nipple poking offer from a young lady.
what a shame L's dating a guy huh?

(oh yeah, if you wanna watch the video, then you'll have to cock your wee heads,
im no computer techie so couldnt turn the video right way round)

off to see tegan and sara in glasgow tomorrow.
how exciting.
there's other more exciting news
but..
that's for me to know and you all to find out.

i've got two days off to try and avoid thinking about loads of stuff.
it's back-log of shit.
so im going to do my best and avoid it.
id rather spend my time thinking of much nicer things and try to learn to behave myself.
one day i want to live up to that kimya dawson lyric that's something about not ruining the fun with your friends.
i get so sick of being a shithead. i pissed off on my friends again last nite.
dear oh dear. what a waste huh?
and here i am feeling all miserable about the fact that i do have to go home soon,
and im still being stupid and running away on them.
though there are a few reasons, (but hey, lets not go into that!)

im pretty much freking out about home.
it's a reality-facer.
it's absolutely scary.
im not going to be ready,
not at least to have to leave here and everyone and then have to go cold turkey again.
it was crap the first time.
however...
i am secretly looking forward to it.
the sun, the fun, the streets, my lovely old friends,
the food, the coffee the art, the houses, the super-duper trendy people,
and the fact i wont have to move country again...

(also, i need to stop thinking about something...)

so.
my feet are swimming again
and that jewish "H" man has a very funny funny way of mixing life up;
making you think of one thing and you turn around
and you're either proven wrong or it's all better again.
(i think he's trying to make me a better person inside.)
so for that, i guess i have to thank a certain ginger person,
but for that only of course.

to my sweet-heart miss anchor, out there in blogspot space,
what do you think?
am i a total bitch of a personality or am i actually just normal?
to feel so...?

it is nice to have rain though, so so corny to say this,
but it has away of clearing the air a little.

my wet socks give me heavyboots and too many reminders.
sometimes i wonder what it would be like.

sometimes i think i shock myself and then i dont.
im not suprised at all by anything that goes on in my brain anymore.
maybe that's a good thing.
and the thing im thinking of is a good thing.
very great awesome un-suprising good thing.
(if only i saw them more often.
i'd also put in a link but i dont think it's wise
considering a certain person who reads this blog
and who she may or may not show...)

other stuff becomes easier.
and i think about the future alot.
i want to make like a baby room for it, so it has somewhere nice to sleep and stew so that when it's time does come,
it wont be so weird and un-organ-ised.
i feel like an expectant parent. ew.

but, somethings do still stay in my head and my heart.
i miss you, and you, and you, and you two, and him, and him too.
and strangely enough you and things.
i often wonder where a person's heart holds all this "stuff".
like, where the fuck does mine store all of my shit and good stuff?

however, i do know that right now, i think i want to go on a tropical holiday with douglas coupland.
what a funny dood. and what a funny holiday.

this is what im going to be doing tonite.

i feel funny again.
im pretty proud of myself that i dont feel anything in reaction to you and your news.

though, there is something i wasnt aware of.
and that, i think is going to be on my list of regrets when i eventually leave this country.
(did i just admit to that?!)
i wish, and hope, that in the future, i can make something work,
that when i have to go home and settle down,
that i can find something to make my white insides red again.
make it push all my iron through my veins and smash these well-worn heavy-boots.

some one to give me a birdseed suit.

rite, home to bed now, to try and push you all out of my dreams.
(well maybe not all of you..)

the top one, is only three hours old. aw, welcome the newbie!
(sorry it's blurry...)

new tattoo on friday!!!

so i feel kinda like this today,
like im dead still,
waiting for my lovely strawberry plant to sprout
and my cute bunny friends to hop along and say hey.
but on the brighter side, this dood's drawings http://danmccarthy.org (eps. the dino's!) are so hot, they make my heart skip!

so im gonna head to my wee room and hangout with myself, see if i can actually (wait for it) make some thing close to art.
we'll see. ..



(i'd like to thank you for resting my crazy thoughts today too, was really nice to know im not a loser no one wants to know. )

so ive done it again . been a dickhead in the heat of the moment, made myself and you feel shit, and gone away thinking i should just leave this place, and perhaps everywhere else. ive also used up all my credible sorry's as well.

why, oh why, do i keep doing this?

someone just kill me now, please.

im B.O.R.E.D.

so this is my poor attempt at that flickr mosaic thing. such a shame, the images were ace.